Limerick Limericks Written on Odd Things New Years Resolutions 2013

Other Uses of Toilet Paper

To help save the planet why not use toilet paper twice? Just make sure that it is used for its traditional purpose after using it for your new purpose not before…

Note : Using diagonally helps with long lines.(Also Ice cream should not be seen as an aid to self defence.)


Doodles Limerick

Not very profound things…

As a tribute to the very peculiar t-shirts I have seen here in Shanghai with odd scribbled animals (and odder slogans) – I have decided to do a few very quickly scribbled animal based not very profound statements…

The sun cat had a big surprise
Ultra violet beams came from both of his eyes
He used his powers
To feed all the flowers
And to zap biting insects and flies
The magnificent and fine Sparrow King
Is a bright colourful feathered thing
He’ll outshine a rainbow
And put on a fine show
But is tuneless so don’t let him sing
The mouse loves to look up at the stars
And planets like Venus and Mars
But when Hedgehog chose
A beautiful rose
The mouse went straight home to find a nice vase

Limerick New Year Resolutions 2010

Rancid Harpy in London

If you are heading to the big smoke,
There is something you should not poke,
It smells of hippo dung,
Dangerous to everyone,
And to this thing nothing should ever be spoke.
Will London ever be the same again?
Doodles Limerick


Moving posessions is something that’s hell
I have clothes in bin bags that are starting to smell
But even more scary
Is that my face is all hairy
As I cannot find my razor and shaving gel
What I will look like if I cannot locate my shaving stuff - also the quality of any doodles will be like this until I can locate the proper pens and paper... (have located shower gel though so I smell ok)
Doodles Limerick New Year Resolutions 2010


There once was a fridge tall and white
And inside was a magnificent sight
Amongst egg milk and juice
There was a canadian goose
Feasting merrily on Muller Light
It seems bald men have the same sort of things in their fridge as everyone else.
Limerick New Year Resolutions 2010

The FIFA “family”

It seems as if I will not be flying emirates, drinking coca cola, buying addidas products, Macdonalds nor EA games…

Congratualtions to the hotbeds of football Haiti, Congo, Benin, Cyprus and Fiji for rushing to Sepp Blatter’s support today. After all the FIFA family is a very delicate and precious flower and we would hate football to ruin it all for them…

So that hotbed of football cyprus
Backs Blatter and asks what’s the fuss?
Whats a bribe here or there
Why should we care
As long as a few quid can be thrown at us
Grondona* asked for Falklands for his vote
Which as far as bribes go is one of note
Maybe give us back football
Then give us a call
Your association with FIFA is no reason to gloat
So well done Fiji, Haiti, Congo, Benin
For propping up a footballs version of Lenin
So while the FIFA’s inbred family
Back pat, and backhand happily
The true football family must consign them to the bin

Another example of what a quality human being and fantastic FIFA family member Julio Grondona is can be found from the following quote…

‘I do not believe a Jew can ever be a referee at that level (Argentine Premier League) because it’s hard work and, you know, Jews don’t like hard work.’

FIFA senior vice-president and chair of Finance Committee, Julio Grondona, 5 July 2003. Buenos Aires

Limerick New Year Resolutions 2010

Denmark what are you thinking of…

Maybe disaster for the great Danish people…marmite could be banned

Its against civil liberties to ban marmite
But Denmark may consider such action right
We would not ban bacon rashers
So don’t be marmite bashers
The lovers of the stuff know how to fight!

see also…To my friend

Limerick New Year Resolutions 2010


I wrote this while at a village fete celebrating the royal occasion, with a real ale in my hand, morris dancers doing whatever they do (not convinced it is dancing) and locals charming worms out of the ground.

So Wills and Kate have now tied the knot
And for the day off I’ll say thanks a lot
It may just be me
but I avoided tv
Except to notice Pippa M looked rather hot
What could be better than a Kate and Will to colour?
Maybe a coloured one (but try to stay within the lines!)


There are things that help the blood to clot
And you should have of these quite a lot
So have some of mine
Then you’ll be fine
If a low platelet count you have got

And get well soon Y!


It’s Oscar Night Again

Its my annual rant about the Oscars, its not news, its probably about as corrupt as FIFA world cup decisions and I can make my own mind up about what is a good film. And the statue really doesn’t look all that good.

Its the time for award ceremonies
So that actors can be pompous with ease
As everyone they thank
Who created their celluloid wank
That’s schmoozed best in their attempt to please