Sticklebacks in Love

As it is nearly V-day here is a romantic little poem inspired by the fact sticklebacks can change sex…

John and Freda were a stickleback pair
Who at first felt a great deal of lust
So their lives they decided to share
As in each other they found that they could trust
The lust waned after year four
And life together started to drag
John was becoming a bore
And Freda would consistently nag
But stickleback males can change
If they want nagging to stop
They turn female, to them its not strange
So John became Joanne without even a chop
So then Joanna and Freda were fine
And life was great and they gave not a toss
As they met for a glass of white wine
And had hours of fine girlie goss
But there was a thing in life that they did miss
And that was the company of a male
A hug, a cuddle and a passionate kiss
So they had a solution that could not fail
So Freda decided she would become Fred
And together the two fish would cavort
Until eventually the sticklebacks wed
(This despite Freds obsession with farting and sport)
Joanne wished she shared Freds obsession too
But she preferred instead to go to the shop
Fred said “I wish I could chat sport with you”
So Johanna became John and got a replica top
So they both enjoyed watching the water polo
For a while until their loins filled with sexual need
They did not want to fulfill their needs solo
So Fred became Freda so they could do the deed
So what sex they are now is anyones guess
As they change to whatever they feel best
But far from thier lives being a mess
Life is always new and they feel blessed

Why animals probably cannot teach us very much

Consider the so called wise owl,
He may teach us something nice,
I for one have now avowed,
To eat raw whole live mice.
This is actually a wise informative owl, known as Infowl. He does calculus and dines on fresh fruit and vegetables; and free range chicken.

Twas Christmas Day

Donald the Lazy Rabbit

Twas Christmas day and such was his habit,

Being lazy today was Donald the Rabbit

Christmas Croc

With a song a dance and a cheeky smile

Along came a drunken crocodile

Dancing Christmas antLooking a bit hungover but magnificant,

The party was joined by the jolly ant.

Dancing xmas pigThe pig was excited and dropped his drawers,

When he saw the presents from Santa Claws

Claws in a santa hat
(Christmas puns are snow joke)

And everyone had fun and many frolics

Especially the pair of Christmas bollocks.

Festive Testes


Kebabs Poetry

A bit of Shakespeare

He would not eat a doner, but he loves marmite.

I think if Shakespeare would have been around now he may have written something like this…

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
Let us have kebab with lettuce and tomato for our tea,
But not the elephant leg type, that is not for me.

Elsewhere in another sonnet he waxes lyrical about marmite…

But wherefore do not you a marmitier way
Make war upon this bloody tyrant, Time?

In this quote I think Shakespeare is suggestin marmite consumption can keep you looking young.


Not Fainting but Thinking

I am impressed with the vigilance of the blood transfusion service at looking out for fainting blood donors. One was a bit concerned about my welfare as when I am deep in thought (as I am often) I can have a rather vacant expression on my face…

It inspired me to do this poem (which is a tribute to the far better and far more meaningful even if depressing “Not Waving but Drowning” by Stevie Smith)

Not Fainting but Thinking

Sombody noticed him, the pondering man,
As he sat still with the cup from which he was drinking:
I was maybe looking vacant but was deep in thought
And not fainting but thinking.
Poor chap, he always gave blood well
And now he’s faint
It must have been too hot for him as a pint of blood he gave away
How quaint
Oh, no no no, I quite like it hot
(Still the pondering man sat explaining)
I often look vacant throughout my life,
And not fainting but thinking.
Kebabs Poetry

The power of positive thinking

Be positive,
Do not fear the worst,
It may never happen,
Even if it does it may never.
It has just happened,
But at least we were positive,
And it made all the difference,
Even though there was no difference,
At all.
And at least we still have our health,
So lets all smile,
Lets have a kebab,
But not the elephant leg type,
And lettuce and tomato,
On mine please.
Grumpy Parrot Poetry

Mondays Child (by Harry the Grumpy Parrot)

Monday’s child has a funny face,
Tuesday’s child is a waste of space,
Wednesday’s child has a hairy back,
Thursday’s child is hooked on crack,
Friday’s child is spotty and sick,
Saturday’s child is stupid and thick
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day,
Will either be bald or prematurely grey.
Harry the grumpy parrot
Harry the grumpy parrot
Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.
Kebabs Poetry

Love Poem

There can be no better use for poetry than to show your love

My love you have made my life complete
My heart and soul once empty are now filled
Overflowing with desire for
Those simple moments
When you are here
Although we are apart for only hours
Each of those hours seem so long
I cannot wait till you are back with me
And again we are as one
You complete me
You enthral me
You consume me
So now you are to be with me again
I want to take you for a kebab
Not the elephant leg type
Unless you really want one
And no garlic sauce so we can kiss
Just lettuce and tomato
Kebabs Poetry


The last one was so well received I thought I would try a sequel…

From the east the night is broken,
Stars that once ruled the night must make way,
The birds sing a chorus to greet the sun,
As it rises to herald the new day.
Even though summer nights are short,
And its early when the day does break,
The beauty masks the desperation,
Of my not sleeping as I lie awake.
The chorus of gulls screech so tuneless,
Is it them that stop my sleeping?
Is it the light through my curtains,
Worn and not in the best keeping?
Its none of these,
It is my stomach,
I shouldn’t have got that kebab…
The one like an elephants leg,
I didn’t want to,
But it was cheaper and more instant,
But no amount of tomato or lettuce,
Could mask its nastiness.
Kebabs Poetry

The End of the Day

I am aware that some people are great and beautiful poets, and i thought I would try something a bit more serious rather than my usual whimsical stuff

When the sun finally takes his final bow,
Exiting beneath the horizons mask.
As the daytime world goes to rest,
The creatures of the night stir their soul.
The owl ghosts through the sky,
The silent ruler of the night.
As the moon comes to rule the heavens,
While the stars twinkle in approval,
Its time for,
a Dominos Pizza…
or maybe a kebab,
but not one that looks like an elephants leg,
and just lettuce and tomato on it,