New Year Resolutions 2011 Sonnets

Lets Derive on Forever

When I am feeling particularly creative there is sometimes only one way to express it, and that is through one of my more creative pursuits, mathematics…

Art can take you to an imaginary land
Far beyond what a mans eye can see
Literature can describe such places so grand
Drama can provoke feelings in both you and me
But what of places beyond ones imagination?
What about to things that the mind cannot picture
Any method of thought that can cope would be fun
This is where mathematics comes right to the fore
It can see things both in this world and beyond
Things imaginary as well as things everyday
It is why maths is something of which I am fond
Maths needs immense creativity along the way
So if lifes beauty is something that’s much sought
Consider e to the pi i minus one equals nought.
A random walk of a drunk beetle to see if he would return to the start
New Year Resolutions 2011 Sonnets

Moving to a New Job

I am moving on to a new job, not because I do not like where I work but I have been there 10 years. Over that time I will take many happy memories with me, but there is one that is far greater than any other.

To welcome new students into college this amazing crossword was produced, unlike every other crossword in history in this one the answers did not always cross and very often were not words…

e.g. 1 down INITIAL ASSESSTENT (helped out by the 11 down clue that adds the tent)

8 down UCASP (University Central Admission Service with a P on the end)

8 across N SUPPORT (even though the clue suggests there is no N)

10 down LRCR (learning Resource Centre with an R on the end)

7 Across is TWO WAY REVIEW, although there is no space in the grid for 7 across. Luckily it fits into 11 across and 11 does rhyme with 7…

Never in the history of a4 paper has one sheet of a4 paper given so much pleasure to so many people over so much time… it is enough to get me poetic…

The Great Familirisation Crossword

It is nearly time the time that i will move on
And of all my memories if I’d choose one
This will make me smile fondly when I have gone
Its the stroke of genius and a puzzle thats fun
It is the worlds most amazing crossword
To welcome new students these things were sent
Now some may think non words not crossing’s absurd
But they can be in awe of the intial assesstent
You can find books in the LRCR
Get N support and college opportunities grasp
Then after two years students can go far
If they send their uni apps off to UCASP
so out of the puzzles that have been done
The best was for familirisation
Ok they are not words and do not cross but that is just being picky

You can download your very own copy of the crosswordtent to printout here : crosswordtent

New Year Resolutions 2011 Sonnets

Keyboards v Pens

The pen is mightier than the sword, but who wins out of a keyboard and a pen? Maybe computer keyboard beats pen (due to autocorrect). Pen beats sword (somehow). Sword beats keyboard (chops power cable to pc). A sort of duller office version of rock, scissors, paper…

Most things I write I have decided to type
It’s a more correctable medium than is the Pen
It’s one of the ways I can talk via Skype
Tho a mic and a cam I’ll use now and then
But I have noticed I’ve a faded key A
And the same fate has befallen the N
Tho Q looks as new as on its first day
Seems some keys need better labels then
Such issues are not the case with pen and ink
And folk do like getting hand written mail
Easier on the eye than times roman I Think
And the postman really does not often fail
So to ditch the pen would be quite absurd
Even when I write much in Microsoft Word
Alfonso the kitten
This might have been the reason for my faded N key...
New Year Resolutions 2011 Sonnets

The Paper Bath Mat

Is there nothing paper cannot achieve? i would never have thought of using it to make bath mats out of, its enough to drive one to poetic thoughts…

This paper bath mat even shows you where to put your feet. 21st century living at its best.
In my room ensuite there’s a thing that I see
Its an oblong disposable paper bath mat
Printed on it are feet bigger than me
Feet that size belong on one taller and fat
At least the mats not just a special towel
And no scabby dirty feet have used this before
Getting a veruka can be terribly foul
So well done mat for preventing a foot sore
Its made of an odd sort of material
And is not soft like the one at home used
The paper may not be sustainable
Is it superior or not, I am confused
But at this time it does fill a great need
The floor has no puddles – success indeed!
New Year Resolutions 2011 Sonnets


You can go up them and down them, how amazing is that?


Oh glorious thing that is the flight of Stairs
A method of getting higher by your feet
Lifts can get stuck and a person their odour shares
So the reliable method of ascent isn’t beat.
So be happy and rejoice when it’s time to ascend
Be ecstatic and merry afterwards when you go down
It is joyous whether going up or descend
Especially after getting ready to hit the town.
But it has to be said that some stairs go too high
And accidents occur on them when you have to shift
And stairs get harder to manage as time goes by
And you then have to invest in a Stannah Stair lift.
But without more storeys more space we’ll take
Without stairs man  will spread out like a pancake.
Building a stairway to heaven but giving up after 5 steps may look like this and make a far better song too.
New Year Resolutions 2011 Sonnets

Toilet trouble

An attempt at a more italian style, the volta is the point at which i have given up and have lost my enthusiasm for fiddling with a cistern and dripping pipe…

We had no flush in our upstairs toilet
The problem was not too hard to discern
We needed a new part in the cistern
A job not hard that we thought should be met
Even though the property is one that’s let
So repairs aren’t something we have to turn
But toilet function I did actually once learn
But this repair i would like to forget
It would be nice to be mended for spring
But I think it will be broken till summer
It is very possibly the most recent thing
That has now made me feel somewhat dumber
Maybe I should just to the phone now swing
And let it be done by an expert plumber
toilet and cat
We could all use a litter tray like cats do.
New Year Resolutions 2011 Sonnets

Flu, colds

Colds come and make you blow your nose
They make you cough and make you sneeze
Tiredness from your head to your toes
As you breathe in you find you wheeze
Its the curse of dark winter days
Micro invaders make you feel so grotty
Viral attacks in this annual dark phase
They make throats burn and noses quite snotty
It’s true that lemsip will try its best
Paracetemol  Ibuprofen assist
Days off work in bed having a rest
And maybe another day’ll be missed
So now I’ll say this loud and quite bold
Damn you foul winter and damn you cold

Health and Safety Disclaimer :

1) Don’t mix lemsip with parecetemol (lemsip is disgusting anyway so I’d just go for paracetemol)

2) Don’t do that joke about why are there no aspirin in the jungle (because the parrots ate em all)

Jack Frost, Flu Virus, Black Ice, Yellow Snow and Darkness at 5pm
These are the biggest evils of winter and must be stopped at all costs (maybe by the onset of spring?)
New Year Resolutions 2011 Sonnets


An Ode to a deoderant (a deODEerant) that turned to a rant about deoderant (a deodeRANT). Summing up the dilemma of rollon or aerosol…

Each morning I’ll use some deoderant,
After rising showering and then shaving,
If we were all far less considerant,
We could each month all then  find we are saving,
I’ve found that maybe the most hassle free way,
Is not to use roll on under my armpits,
I’ve found it best to apply with aerosol spray,
As the wet underarms just get on my tits,
But there are problems when using the spray can,
I’ll not know when the spray’s gone and no more,
And what is the dose useful for one man?
Fifteen centimetres away can I be sure?
This dilemma has got me to now think,
Damn that foul deoderant let us just stink.

(MC Jan 2011)

Rollon or Spray?
Cats never seem to need deoderant...