July Lessons

Monday

Grasshoppers can bite.

Tuesday

The GM food scare may well have started from a discredited scientific study that poisoned mice with potatoes. All the study really showed was that potatoes contain poisons (which incidently are contained on the outisde 6mm of a potato).

Wednesday

People have the ability to take a football predicting octopus seriously. Incidently a German win today would at last show that octopodes cannot predict football results! (Something surely we should all know!)

Unfortunately for my desire for rational explanations Spain won and the octopus was correct.

Even worse news is that it predicted the final but if it hadn’t a parakeet would have been celebrated for its psychic powers!

Thursday

On Saturday it is the 31st annual “Moon Amtrak” day, when people gather by the side of a railway in Orange County and bare their backsides at passing trains. This annual event occurs on the second Saturday in July every year.

Friday

If you have 8 railings and remove the 2nd 3rd 6th and 8th railings, running a stick down the 1st 4th 5th and 7th at an even speed will give you a tango beat. (incidently if you have 30 railings leave 1 4 6 8 9 12 14 16 17 18 19 20 26 27 28 29 30 and you will get the rhythm for the Simpsons theme)

Saturday

The Monty Hall dilemma actually dates to the 30s, and not to Monty Hall himself. Monty Hall never gave contestants the opportunity to swap doors.

Sunday

Annabel Chong was from Singapore… something they don’t seem to advertise much.

June 14th-20th lessons (many about male anatomy)

Monday

The barnacle has a penis 40 times its own body length. (Not surewhether to be impressed, jealous or take pity as what I would do with one over 240 feet?  Maybe use it as a scarf.) They also have testes near the back of their head, and maybe it is a throwback to this sort of anatomy that makes us men sometimes think with our testicles.

Tuesday

The Naegleria Fowleri is a single celled organism that occasionally can enter the nose and meander up the nervous system and start feeding on the human brain. This is how it has got its other name the “brain eating amoeba”.  It is enough to put you off swimming in lakes in the Czech Republic, New Zealand and the USA. Probably best I didnt know about that before I did go swimming in lakes in Eastern Europe and the US! (Of course if one has swum up my nose and eaten my brain would have been better to know…)

Wednesday

This is turning out to be penis length fact week. Humans have the largest penis size of any ape (I vaguely may have known this). A result of this is for the phrase to be “hung like a gorilla” is considered an insult in some african countries. (They have a penis as thin as a pencil but maybe they know what to do with it as that is what matters!)

Thursday

A promethean interactive whiteboard can be set up (accidently) to autohide the toolbox.

Friday

Most birds do not have a penis, although ducks do. A breed of duck jas one twice its body length.

Saturday

I learnt today a good way to grow mushrooms, decided it is a smelly business though so might just let Tescos grow mine.

Sunday

Taunton is at longitude 3.1 degrees west (I have known the latitude was 51.0 for some time as this is useful for telescope setting up, longitude less so). The sun sets about 13 minutes after it does in London.

Categories
Limerick

Practical Advice For Men Who Have Ever Been Told That They Are Too Nice

Inspired by all the ladies who claim they love honesty etc. before going for the “exciting” neanderthal

When there’s a lady to woo,
This is the best thing to do,
Dont be charming,
She’ll find that alarming,
Just act like you’ve come from the zoo.

Sunny Lessons April 12th-April 18th

Monday – Exciting news as I learnt something from someone aged 2. Peppa pigs brother is called George. I also learnt how a windmill arm action can help you to balance on a trampoline and how to bounce back up from a sitting position.

Tuesday – The actor who played Peter in Jesus Christ Superstar is better known for his work in Pornographic films as both an actor and director.

Wednesday – Xeme is a type of arctic gull

Thursday -Little’s theorem that I assumed was a sort of obvious probability theorem in queueing theory is called Little’s theorem. I apologise to Little for not knowing the theorem was his.

Friday – Plato was named because is head was flat (like a plateau). Pet passports were originally a monster raving looney party idea (I knew votes for 18 year olds was already).

Saturday – Rochdale Football Club before today had not had a promotion since 1969 so congratulations to them

Sunday – I learnt that tambourine and timbrel essentially are the same thing (despite the protestations of those Britains Got Talent hopefuls).

Categories
Doodles Limerick

When Aliens Land and Steal All The Men…

There will come a time soon I think when,
Some will take pity on us nagged ones and then,
Some kind beings benign,
Who will treat us quite fine,
Will come to Earth and rescue all of the men.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then ladies will have to open their own jars,
As we have fun up amongst all the stars,
You’ll be forgotten,
Missing us something rotten,
And you’ll then have to then park your own cars.

alien invasion

The first lessons of March

Monday – Cheating husbands are less intelligent than those that do not cheat. Ashley Cole, John Terry should take note you dirty dogs

Tuesday – Bambi was Austrian

Wednesday – Invertase is the enzyme used to make soft centres in sweets. Apparantly comes from yeast, or Saccharomyces cerevisiae as noone knows it by.

Thursday – A63 paper is hard to come by (as is A62). This is due in part to A63 paper being smaller than a single carbon atom

Friday – Edgar Dijkstra came up with the Bankers Algorithm

Saturday – In finger spelling the left hand is the vowels. Also Jurassic park was full of non Jurassic dinosaurs.

Sunday – Hush Puppy boxers should be washed at 30 C, the shortest gestation period of a mammal is 12-13 days (Virginian Opposum and Yapok). As if I had not learnt enough, I also found out that flour can be useful when making a cottage pie.

Lessons for Valentines day week…

Apart from being a time to reflect on appalling treatment by ex-gfs and how they don’t deserve you etc etc (not really, I didn’t deserve them)  I have learnt the following excellent things this week…

Monday – Ser is Polish for cheese, one of the many things I learn during my monday maths teaching

Tuesday – I found a way of making a happy/sad queen banknote. Also one thing I learnt is that the idea “there is always one exception to a rule” is self defeating, as there must be  an exception to this rule rendering it useless (which it is anyway). Also the exception to everyone being unique has to be 2 or more people…

Wednesday – unfortunately forgot what was going to go in here first as I decided to do an anti-valentines day rant! Did learn however there is no v in the polish alphabet (although there is a strange letter lingering around l in their alphabet that seems to do the same job. Incidently also learnt experimentally what I knew academically that ranting is counter-productive)

Thursday – I found that a ten pin bowling shape USB device aimed at the frustrated single male sells for $300 but that an alternative can be made from a nintendo game glove, and some wet sponge

Friday – Dorset has no Motorways, something I sort of knew before but had never really thought about

Saturday –  You can actually get ginger hair dye. Apparantly the ginger one in sex and the city isnt a natural ginger. Also Kim whats it (the non shoe faced blond) is in Bath being theatrical at the moment

Sunday – You can get pyjamas with hoods