Happy birthday to my brother Matt
Now he is 40 he is so old that
His life will be fantastic
Wearing pants that are plastic
And filling houses with ornaments and tat
We just had lunch with Aunty Dot
She was someone who we knew not
With her funny old hat
When on our table she sat
She chatted to us quite a lot
~
[she also looked like Jimmy Crankie]
There is a programme on tv
Whose appeal I fail to see
Its now a big hit
But I think its shit
I just hate that terrible Glee
~
If we have to have manure, please let it fertilise gardens not tvs
Santa Claws loves to scratch everyone
And is also a bad Christmas pun
But its agreed by most folk
He’s better than a joke
From a cracker as they are not fun
~
Alfonso had to get set
For a castration down at the vet
He had his balls taken out
But it bothered him nowt
He didn’t take long to forget
~
Now released the testicles can pursue a different career
Xmas in toy town’s a sight,
The city centre is coloured with light,
Shops open quite late,
Sometimes after eight,
So we can buy each other plenty of shite.
~
The Christmas lights flicker in the sky
Credit card bills now get very high
All across the land, shops open early morn
This comes to pass when a child is born
Children wish for toys with high fees
People pushing and feeling ill at ease
Christmas shoppers crumble, tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born
Sneezes and coughs and people push around
You’ve got the feel you’re slipping on icey ground
The crowds about, make people feel forlorn
This comes to pass when a child is born
And all of this happens because the world is waiting
Waiting for Christmas
Black, white, yellow, no-one knows
But a child that will grow up and turn tears to laughter
And to celebrate everyone will spend loads in a consumer rush
And town centres will be full of misery and suffering
Christmas day still seems far from now
But in the shops it comes early somehow
All across the land, shopping continuously makes us yawn
This comes to pass when a child is born
Prophet of Doom contemplating whether P=NP before embarking on his tour of cheery greetings.
A prophet from Ottery,
Had immoral places to see,
But he got rather sick,
Of finding a route that was quick,
He just wished that P equalled NP.
