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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Zodiac – The Rabbit

If you were born in the year of the rabbit then you really need to get some therapy to get your hormones under control. We all like a bit of friskiness every so often but there is such a thing as going too far. Put some ice on it and calm down by choosing a hobby such as embroidery.

Rabbits are not masters of disguise and look like rabbits whatever their disguise. It probably explains why rabbits do not make good spies.
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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Zodiac – The Tiger (v1)

According to legend a great banquet for the animals was held by god. The rat deceived the cat telling the cat that the banquet would be the day after. the cat overslept, missed the banquet and a place in the zodiac. However the tiger is part of the zodiac representing the cat family, although cats have been trying to sneak into the zodiac ever since…

People born in the year of the tiger are rare, and may find their genitals are useful for chinese medicine.

Tigers are very rare, I think this must be an even rarer white tiger based on the lack of orange colouring. It is hard to be sure underneath the very cunning dragon disguise.
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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Zodiac – the Ox

According to the Chinese Zodiac Kate Beckinsale is bovine. Female cattle are renowned for having splendid udders so this is probably a sort of sexist compliment…

Udders touching the ground could be a sign of being born in the year of the ox, or alternatively it could just be the effect of gravity over the years.
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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Zodiac the Rat

Am a bit behind in posting them however I am pleased to report I achieved one of this years new resolutions (Chinese Zodiac signs disguised as dragons). Shall post the last few over the next few days…

People born in the year of the rat* tend to carry life threatening plagues such as black death and Weil’s disease. there again they do work with scientists helping them find cures for all sorts of other diseases so on the whole they probably are good for health.

Apparently you are only ever 6 metres away from the nearest person born in the year of the rat. This makes the rat very much like f*****g Starbucks that seems like you are only ever 6 metres away from.

rat and cheese
If you find a sudden urge to run through mazes in search of cheese it is likely your chinese zodiac sign is the rat

*approximately 1960 + 12n where n is an integer unless you are born in January maybe then you have to look in wikipedia the fount of all knowledge.

 

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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Zodiac: The Pig

To those born in 1899, 1911, …1899+12n…, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007  you are a bit of a porker. *

People born in the year of the pig tend to have their snouts in the trough.

* If you were born in January you are not a pig-you are a bitch or a son of a bitch (see previous post).

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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Zodiac: The Dog

This is either the best or the worst of all the signs. If you are born in this year you are either a bitch, or you have bollocks that rival the knees of a bee.*

Just remember to walk once a day and to scoop up your mess when you do.

People born in the year of the dog are excellent at begging so give them a biscuit.

*see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bollocks

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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Zodiac : The Rooster

If you were born in 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005 or will be born in 2017 the chances are that according to the Chinese horoscope you are a cock…

Only a total cock would make such noise this early in the morning...

((It is possible to be a cock without being born in the year of the rooster, e.g Sepp Blatter)

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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Zodiac… The Monkey

People born in the year of the monkey tend to eat a lot of bananas, swing from trees and defecate on cars in safari parks…

In the East End of London monkeys are legal tender (worth £500)
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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Zodiac Continued… The Goat

If you are the type of person with a small pointy beard, you often walk up mountains, you are also incredibly horny it is likely you were born in the Chinese year of the goat…

The goat holds the record for being the animal with the most puns associated with it (e.g. anything involving butts, horniness, beards, getting your goat, kidding around etc.)
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Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

The Horse

With the cup of coffee is the main enemy of the sugar lump...

People born in the year of the horse tend to be whipped a lot, wear leather harnesses, go on all fours and let people ride them.