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Cleopatra’s Asp
“Cute asp” they said to their egyptian queen,
“Its the cutest asp that we had ever seen”,
Cleo made a mistake,
Was bit by the snake,
And she died and her skin turned all green.
~
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A bit of Shakespeare
I think if Shakespeare would have been around now he may have written something like this…
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
Let us have kebab with lettuce and tomato for our tea,
But not the elephant leg type, that is not for me.
Elsewhere in another sonnet he waxes lyrical about marmite…
But wherefore do not you a marmitier way Make war upon this bloody tyrant, Time?
In this quote I think Shakespeare is suggestin marmite consumption can keep you looking young.
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Apology to Virgos
Apparantly this virgo :
from Harry’s guide to astrology was not universally appreciated by those born between the dates of August 22nd- September 23rd.
To recitify this I have done a new Virgo…
She is happy to be a virgin and this is her response to the following…
Get your coat you have pulled
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I think there is something wrong with my phone. Could you try calling it for me to see if it rings?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
You must be tired? Because you have been running through my mind all day.
Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?
I am a great swimmer, do you mind if I demonstrate my breaststroke?
If I had the chance to rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
If you are what you eat, I could be you in the morning.
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Harry’s View on Dancing (Moonwalk)
“On the moon there is less gravity so why is the dance with the feet stuck to the ground called ‘The Moonwalk’? It should be named after somewhere with more gravity, ‘The Jupiterwalk’ would be better. No wonder so many people are useless at science!”
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Joe the Alien
There was a fine alien called Joe,
Who knew how to put on a show,
He was a bit of a romancer,
And was the moons best dancer,
Ladies were always willing to give him a go.
I am impressed with the vigilance of the blood transfusion service at looking out for fainting blood donors. One was a bit concerned about my welfare as when I am deep in thought (as I am often) I can have a rather vacant expression on my face…
It inspired me to do this poem (which is a tribute to the far better and far more meaningful even if depressing “Not Waving but Drowning” by Stevie Smith)
Not Fainting but Thinking
Sombody noticed him, the pondering man, As he sat still with the cup from which he was drinking: I was maybe looking vacant but was deep in thought And not fainting but thinking. ~ Poor chap, he always gave blood well And now he’s faint It must have been too hot for him as a pint of blood he gave away How quaint ~ Oh, no no no, I quite like it hot (Still the pondering man sat explaining) I often look vacant throughout my life, And not fainting but thinking.Harry (Cancer) has kindly given me his guide to sun signs…
Stop dropping litter
- Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)
Lose some weight you porker
- Gemini (May 22 – Jun 21)
Stop walking around with your trousers half way down your buttocks showing off your boxers while your trousers are staying up by wishful thinking alone.
- Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)
It is probably up to you to sort the rest of the world out.
- leo (July 23 – Aug 21)
Stop parking illegally in other people’s way just because you have put your hazard warning lights on.
- Virgo (Aug 22 – Sep 23)
Stop talking and eating at the same time, I don’t want to see your chewed up food.
- Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)
Stop acting like you know it all, you are becoming boring.
- Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Pull yourself together
- Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22)
Stop pushing in front of people in queues.
- Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 20)
Stop getting so drunk you vomit all over the pavement.
- Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
You dress like a whore, cover up.
- Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
Use deodorant, you smell.
I did not know until today that Bilberry (or Whortleberry) and Blueberry were different species.
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Last Lessons of July
Monday
there is a debate about the number of species of albatross. Anything from 13 to 24. If the 21 figure (the most common) is accepted then 19 of these are threatened with extinction.
Tuesday
I learnt a card trick that works using the power of mathematics (hence it is a bit duller than other card tricks I have learnt).
Wednesday
Dr House (House) was named as a homage to Sherlock Holmes (as Holmes sounds like Homes). both live at apartments number 221B. Both are also drug addicts.
Thursday
I learnt a neat way of adding a textured fill using GIMP.
Friday
Scottish banknotes are technically not legal tender in Scotland. In fact in Scotland no banknotes are technically legal tender. The English banknotes are legal tender only in England and Wales. Also I learnt legal tender is a bit of a meaningless term practically.
Saturday
I learnt that a decaffeinated coffee in a local bar is actually instant despite it costing more than the caffeinated coffee. In fact within 2 coffees the jar has paid for itself! So dcaffeinated drinkers are penalised twice, once for not havving the point of coffee and another in being sold inferior coffee at a higher price!
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The power of positive thinking
Be positive,
Do not fear the worst,
It may never happen,
Even if it does it may never.
~
It has just happened,
But at least we were positive, And it made all the difference, Even though there was no difference, At all. ~
And at least we still have our health, Maybe… ~
So lets all smile, Lets have a kebab, But not the elephant leg type, And lettuce and tomato, On mine please.
It has just happened,
But at least we were positive, And it made all the difference, Even though there was no difference, At all. ~
And at least we still have our health, Maybe… ~
So lets all smile, Lets have a kebab, But not the elephant leg type, And lettuce and tomato, On mine please.