New Years Resolutions 2013 Snakes

The Hissing and Slithering Rabbit

Rabbits are famous for their speed and mating ability. Although a legless version is not as quick, luckily carrots have not yet evolved legs and legless does cannot get away from bucks so quickly. These animals are remarkably lucky despite their lack of paws (after all since when has a lucky paw ever been lucky for the rabbit it was cut from?)

If snakes looked more like rabbits ophidiophobia would probably only affect carrots
New Years Resolutions 2013 Snakes

The tiger snake

If sharks can come in tiger varieties it is only right that snakes do too. It is thought that Tiger snakes live in Australia (see However tigers tend to live in India so I think the Australian idea is a bit unlikely…

Snake snake! Burning bright, in the forest of the night...
New Years Resolutions 2013 Snakes

The legless bull

Things that make people so angry they sit around and moan but do not actually do anything are like a red rag to a legless bull. These are magnificent creatures and easy to run away from if used in some sort of running of the bulls festival.

If you run a china shop and want a pet bull this is probably your best choice.
New Years Resolutions 2013 Snakes

More legless animals – The rat

It has been a while coming due to the distance from where the computer lives and the neares scanner (over 10 metres). However here is a rat that without legs has managed to get round the maze and get to its cheese…

The friend of the lazy rat catcher (although unlikely to follow piping musicians in Hamelin)
New Years Resolutions 2013 Snakes

Dogs Missing Body Parts

Dogs with no noses are famous for their comedy value. Less well known is the following joke:

Man* 1:My dog rolls around in stinking refuse

Man 2: How does he smell

Man 1: With his nose

Incidentally the “no nose joke” was the most popular out of a range of unfunny jokes such as:

Man 1: My dog has no liver

Man 2: how does he detoxify his blood and synthesise proteins?

Man 1: Badly

And the one most relevant to snake like dogs…

Man 1: My dog has no legs

Man 2: How does he run?

Man 1: Awfully

These dogs can be easily trained, but they take the command “heel” to be a bit insensitive.

(* Women would not waste their time with crap jokes**)

(** Not when there are jobs around the house to do)

New Years Resolutions 2013 Snakes

Legless Ram

Following the horse in the Chinese Zodiac is the Ram. A legless ram or sheep is known as a cloud, and can often be seen flying in the sky…

Common species of legless sheep are cumulus (from the latin for legless sheep) and cumulonimbus (from the latin for nimble legless sheep).

Beware of the Cumulonimbus legless sheep who when threatened can attack with bolts of lightning
New Years Resolutions 2013 Snakes

A legless Horse

To celebrate the forthcoming year of the snake, here is a black and white photo of a horse without any legs.

I apologise for anyone who was hoping to see a horse under the influence of too much alcohol but what sort of sick person wants to see that?

Legless horses are rubbish at showjumping, but on a positive note are perfectly safe to stand behind if you are worried about horse kicks.


Dragons New Years Resolutions 2012

Chinese Horoscope – The Snake

People born in the year following the year of the dragon are born in the year of the snake. Characteristics of such people are that they crawl around on their bellies and speak with a forked tongue (but contrary to popular belief they are not slimy).

Amazingly this snake made his dragon mask himself which is no mean feat for someone without any hands.

Still learning something new each day (August 9th – 15th)


Asps do not live in Egypt so Cleopatra was more likely killed by an Egyptian cobra.

Most exciting news though is that there is a serious paper published claiming it has proof that P!=NP, which if verified will net Vinay Doelalijar $1000000. Incidently I love the fact that he has annoucned that he has maybe solved one of the 6 most important unsolved mathematics problems under the heading “Basic Research”. I hope he is right as I think life is easier if P≠NP unless you are a travelling salesperson.

Whilst I expect someone will find a flaw I also think that it may well be a serious stepping stone to a final proof.


A pedifile is as the name would suggest a file for use on the foot. However in an australian accent it is almost indistinguishable from the word peadophile.


Male pond skaters bully female pond skaters into mating with them. The male pond skaters threaten female pond skaters by making vibrations in the water that will attract predators. They will stop if the females consent to have sex with them.


Swiss speeding fines are linked to earnings, this has meant the world record speeding fine of £650000 is a swiss one.


Terry Butcher was born in Singapore…


In cricket if a ball hits a fielders cap it is only 5 runs if the fielder has deliberately discarded it.


Today I learnt that I had been ignorant for the last 30 years about the colour of the roses that represent Yorksire and Lancashire (or The House of York and The House of Lancaster). I knew one was red and one was white but I had always pictured York as being the red rose. Very ignorant but in my defence I am a southerner. From this dat onwards I will know that York is white, Lancs are red. As a further note hopefully Somerset will beat the red rose of Lancashire tomorrow…


Cleopatra’s Asp

“Cute asp” they said to their egyptian queen,
“Its the cutest asp that we had ever seen”,
Cleo made a mistake,
Was bit by the snake,
And she died and her skin turned all green.
Cleopatra's cute sweet tight asp